When your brother or sister has cancer: A guide for teens
For now, try to focus on these facts: Many kids survive cancer. You have good reason to be hopeful that your brother or sister will get better. Today, as many as 8 in 10 kids diagnosed with cancer survive their illness. Many go on to live normal lives. That’s because scientists are discovering new and better ways to find and treat cancer.
You’re not alone - Right now it might seem like no one else in the world feels the way you do. In a way you’re right. No one can feel exactly like you do. But it might help to know that there are other kids who have a brother or sister with cancer. Talking to others may help you sort out your feelings. Remember, you are not alone.
You’re not to blame - Cancer is a disease with many causes, many of which doctors don’t fully understand. But your brother or sister did not get cancer because of anything you did, thought, or said.
You can’t protect, but you can give comfort - Sometimes you’ll be strong for your brother or sister, and sometimes your brother or sister will be strong for you. It’s okay to talk about how hard it is and even cry together.
Knowledge is power - It can help to learn more about cancer and cancer treatments. Sometimes what you imagine is actually worse than the reality.
Your feelings
As you deal with your sibling’s cancer, you may feel lots of different emotions. Some of the emotions you may feel are:
I feel scared: It’s normal to feel scared. Some of your fears may be real. Others may be based on things that won’t happen. And some fears may lessen over time.
I feel guilty: You might feel guilty about having fun when your sibling is sick. This shows how much you care about them. But you should know that it is both okay and important for you to do things that make you happy.
I feel angry: Anger often covers up other feelings that are harder to show. If having cancer in your family means that you can’t do what you like to do and go where you used to go, it can be hard. Even if you understand why it’s happening, you don’t have to like it. But, don’t let anger build up inside. Try to let it out. And when you get mad, remember that it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or you don’t love your sibling. It just means you’re mad.
When your brother or sister has cancer, it’s common for the family’s focus to change. Your parents don’t mean for you to feel left out. It just happens because so much is going on. You may want to tell your parents how you feel and what you think might help. Try to remember that you are important and loved and that you deserve to feel that way, even though you might not get as much attention from your parents right now.
I feel embarrassed: It can help to know that other teens also feel embarrassed. So do their siblings. In time it gets easier, and you will find yourself feeling more comfortable.
I feel jealous: Even if you understand why you are getting less attention, it’s still not easy. Others who have a brother or sister with cancer have felt the same way. Try to share your feelings with your parents and talk about what you think might help.
What you’re feeling is normal.
There is no one “right” way to feel. And you’re not alone— many other teens in your situation have felt the same way. Some have said that having a brother or sister with cancer changes the way they look at things in life. Some even said that it made them stronger.
Dealing with your feelings
A lot of people are uncomfortable sharing their feelings. They ignore them and hope they’ll go away. Others choose to act cheerful when they’re really not. They think that by acting upbeat they won’t feel sad or angry anymore. This may help for a while, but not over the long run. Actually, holding your feelings inside can keep you from getting the help that you need. Try these tips:
Talk with family and friends that you feel close to. You owe it to yourself.
Write your thoughts down in a journal.
Join a support group to meet other kids who are facing some of the same things you are. Or meet with a counselor. It is probably hard to imagine right now, but, if you let yourself, you can grow stronger as a person through this experience.
Why do children get cancer? The causes of most cancers aren’t known. Cancer among children does not happen that often. Scientists are still trying to learn more about why some kids get cancer and others don’t.
Will I get cancer, too? If you are worried that you may get cancer, you should know that most cancers don’t run in families. You and your parents can talk to a doctor for more information.
Can doctors cure cancer? Every year scientists discover better ways to treat cancer. That means many people are successfully treated for cancer. However, doctors are careful not to use the word “cure” until a patient remains free of cancer for several years. Cancer treatment may cause a remission, which means that the doctor can’t find signs of cancer. But sometimes the cancer comes back. This is called a relapse or recurrence. Whether your brother or sister will be cured of cancer depends on many things. No booklet can tell you exactly what to expect. It is better to talk with your parents and your sibling’s doctor or nurse.
Want to visit?
Close to home
If your brother or sister is in a hospital near you, you may be able to visit. Learn ahead of time how your sibling is doing and what to expect. You can read together, draw, play games, or sit and talk. Some teens also want to help care for their brother or sister. Ask the nurse what you can do if you are interested.
Far from home
When your brother or sister is getting treatment far from home, you may not be able to visit them as often. It will help you both to stay in touch. Talk on the phone. You can also send cards, letters, or pictures back and forth. Source: Cancer.gov.
Did you know?
Talk
Discuss the cancer and treatment with the child to help ease anxiety.
You’re not alone - Right now it might seem like no one else in the world feels the way you do. In a way you’re right. No one can feel exactly like you do. But it might help to know that there are other kids who have a brother or sister with cancer. Talking to others may help you sort out your feelings. Remember, you are not alone.
You’re not to blame - Cancer is a disease with many causes, many of which doctors don’t fully understand. But your brother or sister did not get cancer because of anything you did, thought, or said.
You can’t protect, but you can give comfort - Sometimes you’ll be strong for your brother or sister, and sometimes your brother or sister will be strong for you. It’s okay to talk about how hard it is and even cry together.
Knowledge is power - It can help to learn more about cancer and cancer treatments. Sometimes what you imagine is actually worse than the reality.
Your feelings
As you deal with your sibling’s cancer, you may feel lots of different emotions. Some of the emotions you may feel are:
I feel scared: It’s normal to feel scared. Some of your fears may be real. Others may be based on things that won’t happen. And some fears may lessen over time.
I feel guilty: You might feel guilty about having fun when your sibling is sick. This shows how much you care about them. But you should know that it is both okay and important for you to do things that make you happy.
I feel angry: Anger often covers up other feelings that are harder to show. If having cancer in your family means that you can’t do what you like to do and go where you used to go, it can be hard. Even if you understand why it’s happening, you don’t have to like it. But, don’t let anger build up inside. Try to let it out. And when you get mad, remember that it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or you don’t love your sibling. It just means you’re mad.
When your brother or sister has cancer, it’s common for the family’s focus to change. Your parents don’t mean for you to feel left out. It just happens because so much is going on. You may want to tell your parents how you feel and what you think might help. Try to remember that you are important and loved and that you deserve to feel that way, even though you might not get as much attention from your parents right now.
I feel embarrassed: It can help to know that other teens also feel embarrassed. So do their siblings. In time it gets easier, and you will find yourself feeling more comfortable.
I feel jealous: Even if you understand why you are getting less attention, it’s still not easy. Others who have a brother or sister with cancer have felt the same way. Try to share your feelings with your parents and talk about what you think might help.
What you’re feeling is normal.
There is no one “right” way to feel. And you’re not alone— many other teens in your situation have felt the same way. Some have said that having a brother or sister with cancer changes the way they look at things in life. Some even said that it made them stronger.
Dealing with your feelings
A lot of people are uncomfortable sharing their feelings. They ignore them and hope they’ll go away. Others choose to act cheerful when they’re really not. They think that by acting upbeat they won’t feel sad or angry anymore. This may help for a while, but not over the long run. Actually, holding your feelings inside can keep you from getting the help that you need. Try these tips:
Talk with family and friends that you feel close to. You owe it to yourself.
Write your thoughts down in a journal.
Join a support group to meet other kids who are facing some of the same things you are. Or meet with a counselor. It is probably hard to imagine right now, but, if you let yourself, you can grow stronger as a person through this experience.
Why do children get cancer? The causes of most cancers aren’t known. Cancer among children does not happen that often. Scientists are still trying to learn more about why some kids get cancer and others don’t.
Will I get cancer, too? If you are worried that you may get cancer, you should know that most cancers don’t run in families. You and your parents can talk to a doctor for more information.
Can doctors cure cancer? Every year scientists discover better ways to treat cancer. That means many people are successfully treated for cancer. However, doctors are careful not to use the word “cure” until a patient remains free of cancer for several years. Cancer treatment may cause a remission, which means that the doctor can’t find signs of cancer. But sometimes the cancer comes back. This is called a relapse or recurrence. Whether your brother or sister will be cured of cancer depends on many things. No booklet can tell you exactly what to expect. It is better to talk with your parents and your sibling’s doctor or nurse.
Want to visit?
Close to home
If your brother or sister is in a hospital near you, you may be able to visit. Learn ahead of time how your sibling is doing and what to expect. You can read together, draw, play games, or sit and talk. Some teens also want to help care for their brother or sister. Ask the nurse what you can do if you are interested.
Far from home
When your brother or sister is getting treatment far from home, you may not be able to visit them as often. It will help you both to stay in touch. Talk on the phone. You can also send cards, letters, or pictures back and forth. Source: Cancer.gov.
Did you know?
Talk
Discuss the cancer and treatment with the child to help ease anxiety.
